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SW: 258 | CW: 206 | GW: 199 |
The picture on the left was taken in 2005.
One day I was randomly walking through Best Buy with my mom and a lady asked me if I was a model. I said no, but she convinced me to do one photo shoot. Being the young, optimistic girl I was, I went for it, and later decided to use the pictures as my senior pictures as I prepared to graduate from high school.
Fast forward a few years, I graduated from college in 2008 and moved to Columbia, SC to attain my PhD in Clinical-Community Psychology from the University of South Carolina.
Determined as ever, I laid out my 5 year plan wherein I would start school and fall in love, then get my Master’s Degree and get engaged, then start my dissertation and get married, then go on internship and have a baby.
"Life would be perfect.
My love would be perfect.
My family would be perfect."
Then I lost both of my remaining grandparents in a short period of time and I felt my foundation begin to crumble.
The man I thought was the love of my life
turned out to be the exact opposite.
A previously unknown development from the relationship I had just ended led to me having to make another life-changing decision just three months later when I got an abortion on March 8th 2012. This day was truly my darkest moment. My school work began to deteriorate and I began going through life consumed with guilt, hate, self-pity, and regret. I attempted to carry on with life as usual, continuing to spend time with my friends and family, to congratulate others as they reached personal goals I previously set for myself, and to present myself as a happy, healthy woman.
Instead, I constantly ate my feelings, stopped being active, cried many nights, and was wandering hopelessly from one day to the next with no goals or real relief in sight. Looking back now, I thought I was putting up the perfect facade, but my sadness was showing all over my face and my body.
The two pictures on the top row were taken sometime in 2012. I put on my old clothes from 2005 and was shocked at what had become of the young girl who believed in miracles, magic, God, and- most of all- the power of love. Here, you see a woman who hadn’t been hopeful, fulfilled, or passionate about anything for nearly a year.
Then one day in the spring of 2013, I reopened my Bible.
I realized that I hadn’t prayed, really prayed, in a long time. I said a prayer that my grandmother taught me, and I gave my life over to Jesus. I let go of the pain in my heart, and replaced it with the love of my God. I let go of guilt from decisions I’d made in my past, and replaced it with hope for my future. I let go of hatred toward those who I felt had wronged me, and replaced it with love for myself.
I began to pray, to exercise, to eat right, to fast, to rely on my friends and family, to go after my passions in school, and to get the most out of every day. I’ve had setbacks, made mistakes when I’ve relied on myself and not consulted with God, and I still have moments of weakness. But I’ve grown and I’ve learned so much about myself in the process.
Then one morning, on Thursday, September 19th 2013, I woke up and did my usual hour of fasted cardio on the stair master. I said my prayers, reflected on how far I’ve come, and finished my 60 minutes with tears in my eyes and joy in my heart. I returned to my room and put on the same outfit, yet again, and was surprised as the pants slipped effortlessly over my hips. The vest that I couldn’t pull down over my stomach last year was loose.
At my heaviest, I was 258 pounds. I am now 206. My goal was to get to my high school weight of 199, but now that I'm so close and going so strong, I am confident that I will surpass it in no time! I honestly have no idea what my goal should be, because I don't remember weighing any less. I'm just thankful for how far I've come.
I am able to look at myself in the mirror and thank God for saving my life. My future IS big, it IS bright, and it’s going to be more wonderful than I could have ever planned or imagined. I’m more passionate about my research and my clinical work than I’ve ever been. I have focus and direction. I’m working harder than ever and it feels like heaven.
The woman you see in the pictures on the bottom row is hopeful about her future. She has attained her Master's Degree and is one step away from getting her PhD in Clinical-Community Psychology. She’s happy. And she’s so thankful to God. She is excited to share her testimony with others in hopes of inspiring them to get healthy and fit, to begin loving themselves completely, and to connect with God!
She is me.
I am thankful that a few people have been motivated to change because of my story. I LOVE learning about myself and falling in love with myself more and more every day. I’m discovering that I’m STRONG. I’m filled with optimism. And I’m still a hopeless romantic who loves musicals. I’m so thankful that God preserved the child in me and that my heart is still pure. Everything that I thought was taken from me has been returned ten times over. I’m looking forward to a new journey, a new beginning, new goals, more progress, unimagined success, and a new opportunity to give Glory to God through my testimony. As I stood before myself in the mirror, I saw Jeremiah 29:11 staring back at me: a reminder that I wrote to myself last year and never erased from the glass.
“For I know the plans that I
have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm
you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Connect with Isha via instagram at www.instagram.com/ishcreamsundae.